Friday, August 7, 2009

GI JOE: The Rise Of Cobra (2009)



GI JOE: The Rise Of Cobra (2009)

ZOMG it will be so bad. My dream for this movie will be for the CGI to unconsciously render a look that resembles 'giant invisible children playing with action figures'. This is my aesthetic theory which i will attempt to establish in order to make the movie enjoyable. It will not pan out.



i will nearly be thrown out of the theater 3 minutes in when i begin playing with my Snowjob and Rock n Roll Action Figures. After this, i will wonder about the following things:
-where is shipwreck?
-why did the Doctor who not climb into his tardos when he saw how badly this was turning out?
-why did they make sienna miller so ugly?
-how many times better would this movie have been if they'd used the same technology on marlon wayans character as they did in Little Man, but drew no attention to this fact?
-the viper starts at the west corner....the viper will starts at the west corner...the viper will start at the west corner.
-they really could have used a football-on-a-chain here.
-Mutherf***in B.A.T.S Y'all!
-serpentor was made from the DNA of Attila the Hun, Napoleon, Caesar, Rasputin, and Ghengis Khan. Whose DNA made Stephen Sommers?
-where is shipwreck?! remember when his friends melted into wax? that was cool.
-why is hollywood?

and i will stay til after the credits end, and will become SUPER annoyed that they did not even have the brains to add a "knowing is half the battle" PSA. I will wish they had been smart enough to get the Fensler people to do it, and will then get the idea to eventually cut together live-action fensler films from portions of the movie. I will not follow through on this idea.


FINAL PREVIEW SCORE (A to F): D+

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